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  #1  
Old 17 Sep 2012, 23:10
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Jokes

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor,"I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Last edited by ForceHSS; 18 Sep 2012 at 01:38.
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  #2  
Old 18 Sep 2012, 01:38
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The Hot Girl at The Cinema

At the cinema a man noticed a hot woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was pleasuring herself furiously.

He moved to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started pleasuring her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
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  #3  
Old 18 Sep 2012, 07:11
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ForceHSS ForceHSS is offline
 
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The Italian Virgin

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
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Old 18 Sep 2012, 15:30
CharlieDelta CharlieDelta is offline
 
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  #5  
Old 18 Sep 2012, 17:30
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Why don't we make a thread dedicated solely to jokes, rather than making 5 at a time
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  #6  
Old 18 Sep 2012, 20:05
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Merged into one.
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Old 19 Sep 2012, 03:09
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*snicker*
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  #8  
Old 20 Sep 2012, 09:54
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Walmart Shopping With The Wife

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
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Old 21 Sep 2012, 01:57
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  #10  
Old 21 Sep 2012, 08:09
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I Want Bigger Boobies

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Did you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I did. How did you know?" The man stood up, cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
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  #11  
Old 26 Sep 2012, 10:07
RayGor RayGor is offline
 
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Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for brighten up my day haha!
Didnīt expect to find jokes here on the forum.

RayGor
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  #12  
Old 26 Sep 2012, 20:30
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The Strip Club

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.

Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a b1tch tonight, Roger!"
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Old 28 Sep 2012, 02:33
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Sage Knight Sage Knight is offline
 
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Haha, really chuckled hard on the scooby dooby part.
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Old 01 Oct 2012, 01:24
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Irish Bar Food

An Irish man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Corned Beef Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for money, he walks up to the bar and calls over the very hot blonde serving drinks to a bunch of drooling men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she giggles "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your dam hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Last edited by ForceHSS; 01 Oct 2012 at 03:52.
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  #15  
Old 01 Oct 2012, 03:53
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Fear THIS!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. Ive seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - dont you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?
MAN: Okay, Id get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.
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